Grandpa

It is a cruel truth indeed.

It is a cruel truth that we never really fully appreciate or understand that value of what we have until it is taken away. Liberty, health, food, clothing, friends, family... life. Day after day we progress through our routines and duties handling and interacting with countless blessings that we have been given without truly understanding what it is we have. At times we even becomes scornful of or careless towards those things that matter most to us, because we forget how precious they are. Close friends and family drift into the background as we progress through life and move onto "bigger and better things." The demands of the present like our work our education, and even our entertainment take precedence over other people and things that are significant simply because we begin to believe that they will always be there for us to return to at another point in time when it is convenient for us.

We don't develop this mindset consciously and we do not necessarily look down up the people and things we have been given, but neither do we lift them up and give thanks for them as we should. They're true worth is unappreciated and ignored, albeit unintentionally most of the time, and we miss ever so precious opportunities as a result.

Opportunities that become lost to us forever when we finally receive or wake up call and find out just how broken this sinful world real is.

Over the last few years my grandfather's health has been failing fairly rapidly. Time and time again I have told myself that I needed to call him or send him a letter and not once did I actually follow up. This afternoon he died and I will live the rest of my life regretting that I never, not once during the entire period of his decline, took the time to actually contact him.

My grandfather was one of the most compassionate and loving men I have ever known. He loved me, and my siblings, unconditionally and he needed no reason to do so beyond the fact that we were his grandchildren. It mattered not that I only I got to see him once ever year... or two... or three... or four. I never once doubted that my grandpa loved me and would continue loving me for as long as we both lived.

Growing up, my grandfather's house was, to me, one of the most interesting and magical places ever. Full of interesting and unique antiques and nick-knacks too look at all throughout the house, it was fascinating to just look around at all there was to see. From the chandelier in the living room to the wall of china cabinets, there was not a boring room in his house. The wagon wheel utensil rack hanging above the island in his kitchen with the sign "Grand kids eat free" will always be one of my favorite pieces of household decor ever... second only to the locks. My grandfather loved clocks and his walls were covered in them. Rooster clocks that crowed, a cuckoo clock that I never catch "cu-kooing," clocks that actually went ding-dong, clocks that tinkled like chimes in the wind, a clock whose pendulum rocked  back and forth in the hands of a small statue, and of course, a majestic grandfather clock.

Among my fondest and dearest memories are those of my lying across the couch in the living room while everyone was going to sleep and listening to the clocks all go off together every hour in the dark.  When my grandpa had to move last year because it was getting too hard to move around in his house, a few of his clocks made there way across the country to my parents house where I am able to appreciate them still... but it isn't the same as when I was there.

My visits to my grandfather were relatively few, far too few as I am sure I will realize more and more as I age, and many of them were when I was too young to have a clear memory of them, but they are still precious to me and exponentially more so now that I will never be able to add to them again.


I thoroughly enjoyed every trip out to see grandpa and every trip he made out to visit us, but now that he is gone I feel like it wasn't enough. I feel like I should have been able to see him so many more times, and that when seeing him was not possible, I should have called him or wrote to him just to let him know how much I loved him.

Last summer was the last time I saw him. My whole family went our first vacation to visit far off family in a very long time. I wasn't even a teen yet on our last visit before that and last summer I was rapidly approaching adulthood. Already at that time I could feel that the wonderland I had loved so much as a wee little lad was changing, and not necessarily for the better.

The garden that had always impressed me with its rampant growth and wildness had been dismantled once my grandfather wasn't able to keep up with it anymore. All but one or two of the main clocks had been allowed to run down and when I fell asleep on a mattress in the living room it was not to the sound of ticking clocks. Most significantly though, I could see my grandpa growing weaker. I'd known his health was not the best before we went out to visit him, but it became all the more apparent actually seeing it for myself. On oxygen and not able to move about much without considerable effort, he was in constant pain and for years now sleep has evaded him most nights.


He was still grandpa though. He was still the same amazing, compassionate, loving, and dedicated man that had always showered me with affection.

One of the first nights after our arrival grandpa and I stayed up talking after everyone else had gone to bed until somewhere around the vicinity of two or three in the morning. I don't even remember what all we talked about, but we talked about girls, we talked about school and my starting college that fall, we talked about growing up, and we talked about the importance of family and of friendships. Much of what was said in that conversations escapes me now, but I remember as we were getting ready to finally call it a night he said to me that he was proud of me and would always love me no matter where I went in my life.

I will never have the opportunity to have a conversation like that with my grandpa again, but at least I will always have that memory to hold onto and treasure when I think of him, and I hope that, going forward, I will be able to learn from him and never again pass up the opportunity to let another person know just how much they mean to me. 

The world lost an incredible man with an incredible heart today, but his legacy will live on through the love he gave his children and grandchildren.

I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you one more time before you left grandpa, but I'm love you and I'm proud of you too.