Besides being totally brilliant and a tad sexist, the whole thing got me thinking a little bit more on what exactly being a manly means and what our "man card" actually signifies.
Earlier this year I read a book titled "The Men's Code of Honor: 66 Principles that Make a Man" by Dan Stanford, and as the title would suggest, the author went through a list of 66 principles, standards, or codes that he believed every true man should follow. They included everything from being honest, ethical, and dependable to standing up for women and children. More subtle, or perhaps less obvious, things like having a firm handshake and being a good steward of our planet were also included in this list.
Last year for my English class in the fall semester I also read an article titled ""Bros Before Hos": The Guy Code" by Michael Kimmel that was all about a study Kimmel conducted to try and determine what young men and women in our culture thought it meant to be manly. Among other things, the list he came up with included: Never cries, gets angry instead of getting sad, gets even, and doesn't show emotion. It was also included in this article that being "gay" was generally considered to be the opposite of being manly (I'm not going to go into my own views on Homosexuality within this particular article even if it kind of relevant.). I was really quite shocked and upset, not only by the first list of things that supposedly made someone manly, but then by the list of things that apparently indicate that someone is "gay". Kimmel created a list of responses he got from the young women he asked "What is an indication a guy is gay?" and their answers included "He is interested in what I have to say," "He has an interest in art or music," and "He looks at my face and not my chest." In other words, these women are, or at least were, under the impression that men who treat them with respect and had more than an animalistic personality are all homosexual and that real men don't care about what they have to say and are only interested in their physical appearance. I was pretty disgusted with what Kimmel's article revealed to be honest.
So, if you compare "The Guy Code" and "The Men's Code of Honor" you end up with two completely different perspectives on what it means to be manly. True, both indicate that showing strength and bravery are part of being manly, but even there there are discrepancies because what the people in Kimmel's article and what Stanford says are strength and bravery are two very different things.
If we can use the Michael Kimmel article as a decent portrayal of the popular, modern culture view of masculinity (and that is what it is meant to be) then I think it can fairly safely sum up the cultural view is this.
1. Masculinity is, at its heart, based on one's ability to dominate another.
2. Strength is determined by physical prowess and one's ability to control others.
3. Emotions and interests in art, music, or beauty in general are considered weaknesses and feminine.
4. Real men see women's bodies, and not their personalities or identities, as being the important thing about them.
Granted, some of those might be some gross generalizations and I know full well that not every young guy and gal in the modern U.S. world believes this, but I have seen much of this first hand and while Kimmel's article kind of forced me to look it in the face, I was semi-aware of a lot of these views already.
The thing is, real masculinity is pretty much the opposite of the four points I just mentioned above.
While there is nothing wrong with physical might, one of the thing that Stanford kinda address in his book (and I quite agree) is that a man's real strength is not in his ability to out lift another person but in his strength of character, and integrity. Then, a man's chief duty is not to dominate or control others, and especially not women, but to defend, protect, and care for them. A man's physical strength is meant to be used as a way to provide for and protect those with lesser strength, not as a means to bend them to his will.
Additionally, emotion, far from being a weakness, can be a great strength as well. Love and sorrow are two incredibly important emotions for a man and without them it is actually pretty hard for him to carry out his duties. Anger, which is the only emotion really supported in popular male culture, is actually kind of anti masculine emotion. Anger, violence, and hatred are like the exact opposite of what a real man is supposed to feel toward others. When those emotions end up governing a man's actions and thoughts that man has truly lost his man card and broken the Men's Code of Honor.
I also have a hard time understanding when exactly art and music supposedly became feminine pursuits. Someone apparently failed to get the message across to Leonardo Di Vinci, Bach, Mozart, and all them other famous artists and musicians. Sure, they may not be specifically masculine pursuits, but that doesn't mean that art and music are the opposite of being masculine. To suggest as much is just plain stupid.
Now, it is the fourth point that I wanted to address most out of the four I listed above because it really seems to be the most dangerous and damaging of the four supposed rules for being "manly" in today's society and because it does, in many ways, reflect back to the first two.
Call me sexist but when it comes to women, a man's duty is first and foremost to defend them, honor them, and treat them with the utmost respect. To treat a woman as a thing, or nothing more than a body to be used, is to fall as far from manhood as one possibly can. Rape, in my opinion, is the most disgusting and degrading act that a man can commit, but by abusing or disrespecting a woman in any way a man shreds his man card to pieces.
In today's culture, where the Feminist movement runs rampant, there is this ridiculous idea that men and women are equal. Now, I'm not about to suggest that men are better than women or that women are better than men because neither of those things is true, but they most certainly are not equal in the sense that they are exactly the same. The two sexes are incredibly different in any number of ways and it is foolish to try and suggest otherwise. We think differently, we feel differently, we act differently, and we are capable of different things. In the same way that an apple does not equal and orange, or that wood doesn't equal metal men and women are not equal. Neither one is superior or inferior, but they are not the same.
Women are capable of a lot of truly remarkable things that men really stink at. The fact that they have the ability to sustain and provide life far beyond what a guy could ever accomplish is just one of many talents the females have. They tend to be a lot better at showing compassion and sympathy toward other people. They're really good at being supportive of their friends and family. They know how to sacrifice their own interests for the sake of others in a way that should put all of us men to shame, and the energy and enthusiasm with which they strive to accomplish their goals is truly astounding.
However, none of this changes the Biblical truth that it is the job of men to defend and lead. We may not be very good at it, but that is our duty and our place. Protecting women and children is among the chief responsibilities of manhood. Men are the be the heads of their household, and they are to provide and care for the women in their lives before they provide for themselves.
The problem is that most people take issue with this idea because, I think, they don't understand what it means for a man to be the head and leader. It does not by any means mean that men have the right to dominate women or to reign as tyrants over them. It doesn't mean that women should have their rights stripped away from them and only serve as obedient slaves.
What being the head and leader chiefly means is sacrifice.
Really, sacrifice is what being a man is all about.
It means working night and day to make sure your wife and children have a roof over their heads. It means shedding blood, sweat, and tears to defend your country, family and friends. It means laying down your life for the sake of another. It means giving up everything you have so that another may go on. It is the exact opposite of domination, control, and using others (especially women) as tools for your enjoyment. Being a real man is the most selfless act that we, as men, can commit.
The ultimate display of masculinity and real manhood was demonstrated when Christ gave himself up to death upon the cross for the sake of the whole world and all the filthy sinners that have ever, and ever will, dwell upon it. As Christ has cared for his church, despite her rebelliousness and thanklessness, real men should care for those around them regardless of how they are treated. No man ever hope to be as truly manly as that perfect man, Christ, but it is in him that we see a perfect example of what we should strive for.
The man who leads a woman does so, not by enslaving her to his will, but by allowing her to live free of life's concerns to the extent he can possibly manage to do so. Father's strive to provide for their daughters and husbands strive to provide for their wives so that they need not worry about the needs of their body, heart, and mind. A woman's head should not be a tyrannical ruler who forces her to do her bidding, but he should be her guide, her protector, her provider, and the first to lay down his life for her benefit.
All four of the "rules of masculinity" in modern culture that I mentioned above stand in direct opposition to this! A man who strives to prove his strength through dominance cannot, at the same time, be fulfilling his duty by lifting another above himself. A man fighting to protect the honor and life of another cannot, at the same time, be fighting to prove his own prowess and might through the subjection of another. A man without emotion, love, compassion and the ability to feel sorrow cannot properly address the needs and emotions of those who depend upon him. Likewise, a man fueled by anger and a need to get even with those who slight him is putting his own self and desires above those of the people he is supposed to care for. Finally, no boy who basis a woman's worth on her physical appearance can ever claim to really claim to be a man. The man who values a woman only for her body is no more than animal.
Again I say, being a man is all about sacrifice. Your man card is not something you can win through feats of extraordinary strength or prowess, nor is it something you can gain through building yourself up by pulling others down. Rather the true measures of a man's worth lies in the number of people he has lifted above himself.
Christ shone in all his radiant glory and splendor as he hung, dying from the cross in order to save those who had scorned and rejected him. When faced with death he did not fight or display some feat of great strength, even though he certainly could have, but he gave himself up for the sake of us all. By taking upon his own shoulders all of our sins, faults, and failings he demonstrated to us all just what true masculinity really is.
On that note, I hope and pray that each and every one of you have been blessed to know a real man. Every boy needs one to look up too and every girl needs one to treat her right.
Pax
(P.S. I apologize for my random and winding thought process. I wanted to get this posted tonight before my Labor Day holiday is finished and I jump back into school so I didn't have take the time to organize my thoughts as much as I would have liked to.
Additionally, I'm posting a list of the 66 principles listed in "A Men's Code of Honor" by Dan Stanford. It is an excellent book that I found very interesting and would encourage all of you to read because he goes into a lot more detail about each of these principles and just listing them doesn't really get the real worth of the book itself.)
The Men’s Code of Honor
1. Tell the Truth
2. Keep Your Word
3. Mean What You Say, and Say What You Mean
4. Don't Make Excuses
5. Admit Your Mistakes
6. Take Responsibility for Your Actions
7.
Fulfill Your
Obligations and Duties
8.
Finish What You
Start
9.
Respect and
Believe in Yourself
10. Don’t Compromise with Your Principles
11. Respect the Law
12. Play by the Rules
13. Don’t Take Unfair Advantage
14. Don’t Whine
15. Respect the Property of Others
16. Carry Your Share of the Load
17. Be Fair and Just
18. Don’t Gossip
19. Don’t Bully
20. Don’t Be a Braggart
21. Don’t Pry Into Other People’s Business Unnecessarily
22. Harm No One Without Good Cause
23. Use a Firm Handshake
24. Look a Person in the Eye When You Greet Him
25. Do Not Let Anger Rule Your Conduct
26. Do Not let Your Appetites Rule You
27. Stand Tall in the Face of Adversity
28. Do What Needs to be Done
29. Defend Yourself and Your Interests
30. Use Force as a Last Resort, Then Use it Well
31. Be Prepared to Risk Your Life or Safety for a
Greater Good
32. Face Death With Courage
33. Always Stand Guard
34. Honor Women and Their Feminine Nature
35. Never use Force Against a Woman, Except in
Self-Defense
36. Never Force Sex on Anyone
37. Protect Women and Children
38. Do Not Use Crude Language in the Presence of
Children
39. Do Not Use Crude Language in the Presence of Women
Without Their Approval
40. Always Be Faithful to your Romantic Partner
41. Never Steal Another Man’s Romantic Partner
42. Meet the Romantic Needs of your Partner
43. Love and Support Children
44. Provide for Your Family
45. Serve You’re your Children’s needs Before your Own
46. Marry the Mother of Your Children
47. Make Your Home a Sanctuary of Security for Your
Family
48. Do Not Unnecessarily Burden Your Family
49. Don’t Make Your Mother Cry
50. Plan and Prepare for Your Family’s Future
51. Support Actions that Make a Better World for Our
Children
52. Take Pride in Your Work
53. Don’t Be Lazy
54. Treat Your Superiors and Elders with Respect
55. Do the Hard Work, the Dirty Work, the Mechanical
Work, the Dangerous Work, and the Heavy Lifting
56. Always Give and Honest Day’s Labor
57. Defend Your Nation
58. If Call Upon to Lead, Lead with Clarity and Set
Standards of Discipline and Keep Them
59. Be Loyal to Your Family, Group, Nation, and Friends
60. Do Not Desert a Friend or Ally
61. Show Compassion and Mercy for the Weak, the
Dependent, and the Helpless
62. Champion What is Right and Good
63. Confront and Fight Evil
64. Respect the Earth and Her Life Forms
65. Set a Good Example
66. Uphold the Tradition of Men’s Honor by Expecting
Other Men to be Honorable
I find this blog post rather interesting. As a female, I have experienced many of the "modern" examples of manhood through my relationship in highschool. Unfortunately this disruptive relationship didn't cease until it was already too late.
ReplyDeleteI believe the main problem is that fathers aren't doing much fathering nowadays and there aren't enough positive male role models to fill in the gaps. This is a problem that I am sadly experiencing personally.
I will be honest in saying that I don't agree with all 66 of the code of honor characteristics. However I do understand where the author is coming from and accept his main ideas.
Another interesting point you bring up is the equality between men and women. No one can attest that men and women are created differently and therefore have different core purposes. For example, men have more testosterone and naturally can do more heavy lifting and hard labor. Women, on the other hand, naturally have higher pain tolerance which is due to their ability to bear children. At a chemical level, men and women are completely different. However, on the topic of legal rights and salary, men and women should be considered equals even though they are naturally different. Just because a woman may think and act differently than a man, does not make her legal stance or hard work any less important and influential. Equality is always a political subject so these are just my personal thoughts. I'm aware that you probably chose not to include yours in the post.
Dear Anonymous,
DeleteThank you for your reply. You bring up a number of points I wish I had either addressed or clarified in the original post. Your comment gives me the opportunity to expand upon what I already said and make a few things clearer.
1) I was homeschooled so I didn't see a lot of the high school dynamic first hand, but my observations thus far in college and my conversations with people in/just out of high school lead me to believe that teens are somehow given the impression that it is OK for men to be complete jerks and as a result they get away with doing incredibly unmanly things because that supposed to be the way guys are. I am very sorry that you had to experience the disruptive nature of our culture's manhood. Men and women alike need to start holding men, starting even before high school, to a higher standard so that childish and abusive boys are not able to get away with so much.
2. I very strongly agree with your second point. One of the principle duties of a father is to teach his sons how to be men and his daughters what to expect in future boyfriends and husbands. When a father is absent, inattentive, or abusive himself those lessons don't get taught and often end up creating a vicious circle where the sons end up the same at their fathers and the daughters end up with a guy just as bad as their dad. While every person is ultimately responsible for their own choices and actions in life, a negligent father seriously harms his children by not providing them with the role model they so desperately need. Abandoning, abusing, or simply not caring for one's children and their mother is one of the most unmanly acts a guy can commit. It saddens me greatly to look around and see the number of single mothers in our society today. To shove off the entire responsibility of raising a child or children onto their mother is an insanely selfish act that serves as a huge smack in the face of what real manhood is supposed to be all about. I have a great deal of respect for the mothers who strive to care for their children and bring them up right without the aid of a husband, but boys in particular need a male role model to look up to and to teach them what it means to be a man and it makes me ashamed to think of how often men these days are willing to abandon the families they have started.
Delete3. I should have pointed out that I didn't agree 100% with everything in the Men's Code of Honor book either. He does a good job of explaining each of the principles in more detail within the book itself, but I wouldn't say that his argument is without error (mine also has flaws of its own I am sure). I do think the book creates a very good, general picture though and serves as a marvelous springboard into further exploration of what it means to be an honorable man. If you have the time to do so and an interest in the topic I would encourage you to find and read the book yourself.
4. I actually can attest that men and women were created differently although you may disagree with my evidence and say it is invalid. The Bible clearly says that God created man first and then created Eve from the flesh of Adam, and then throughout the Bible we are told that men and women do have different roles. You may not believe and confess as I do that the Bible is fact, but it is from the Scripture that I get my basis of what manhood means so that's where my evidence for man's roles and duties comes from.
5. However, my last point does not mean that I think that men and women are completely different in every way. For one thing, they are both human and clearly have some similarities there. When I said that men and women were not equal I didn't mean to suggest that they had nothing in common or were on different footing for every single scenario. If I gave that impression I apologize. I don't think that equality is necessarily a political subject in every situation, but when political equality is brought into question I believe that men and women really are pretty equal. I am afraid that I am not familiar and well versed enough in the laws of country to say in complete confidence that men and women should always be held equal in ever single legal/political scenario but I am cannot think of any time when they should not. Tax, work, and rights laws should definitely treat both men and women the same and if someone breaks the law, regardless of their sex, they should certainly be held accountable. If a man and woman both perform the same task than I absolutely agree that they should earn the same reward. Outside of the political realm however, I do believe there are many situations where men and women do have very different roles. I just don't think those roles make either one better than the other.
Thank you again for your comment and for sharing your thoughts. I know the content of this post covers a highly controversial topic and I appreciate the fact that you stated you opinion on and your disagreements with my post in the fair way that you did.
I was confused by your reply then I went back to my post. Rather than "attest" I mean to say no one can disprove that women and men are not physically made for different jobs. This allows my examples or testosterone and pain tolerance to make more sense. I agree that women and men should have different jobs due to their different abilities. For example, as a woman I would be better equip to take care of children rather than work in a car factory.
DeleteMy main argument was that although we have different abilities and duties, in the realm of legal matters, women and men should be considered equal. However we are currently not. The salary gap is a clear indicator of this.
An interesting topic to consider after reading this post would be the effect of gender neutral parenting. (Where female and male roles are taught to be acceptable for either gender and often young boys are allowed to wear dresses and play princess.) just a thought.
If two people, regardless of gender or race, complete the same task they should absolutely receive the same reward. That I can absolutely agree with. Our actions, and not our race, gender, appearance, background, or social status indicate what we deserve and I think that is something that should be expressed more clearly in our society.
DeleteI don't want to delve too deeply into the point you make at the end of your comment right now because that presents plenty of material for a whole additional, potentially very lengthy, blog post of its own. On a basic level however I will say that while the kind of clothing that we wear and certain actions we perform are not necessarily naturally tied to a specific gender. In ancient Rome and Greece everyone wore togas and in Scotland men wear kilts. However, that doesn't meant I would support men wearing dresses. Most of the time it seems like parents and individuals who support the idea of letting their sons play act as princesses and dress up as princesses do so because they don't limitations on what a person can do should be based on their gender, but like we have been talking about, men and women/boys and girls are different. A two year old boy wearing a dress is theoretically harmless but if he is wearing the dress because a point is trying to be made that just because he is a boy doesn't he can't do "girl" things than I would have a problem. Guys and gals ARE different and there are things that men can/should do that women can't/shouldn't do and vice versa. Hopefully what I
am saying there makes sense... I don't like I just made my point terribly clearly.
I say men are superior to women at being men and women are superior to men at being women. Viva la difference! For more info on the biological differences of the sexes that have underlying effects on gender "roles" (as if we don't tend assume them naturally...) read the secular source Why Gender Matters, which proves the biological, hormonal, and developmental differences of the sexes, which give men and women different abilities.
ReplyDelete